Fall down on the world before it falls upon you ...

Today's LJ Writer's Block question is: "What vegetable or fruit do you relate to most?" Isn't "identify with" a bit deep? But there is something to be said about having a deeper connection to the food that we eat. Almost a spiritual connection. After all, we are what we eat and we should really take care of our bodies, our selves. Our bodies are not garbage disposals or ... graveyards. As for the answer to the question, I'm not so sure and I'm not in the mood to think about it deeply, but I will say that eating mangos has been an almost sensual experience for me the past few times I've done it. I'd highly recommend it :)


I'm listening to "My Brightest Diamond" for the first time today. I've heard about her before, and it's funny because she reminds me of someone I know. Her music is different, but yet so familiar. I can't really explain it. Obviously it means that I've heard something similar before (which of course could be said about most music ... but anyway). I like it so far. I hope it doesn't let me down. She's got a new album coming out in June. The single, "inside a boy," is fantastic.

It's fantastic to find music that's melodic and somewhat simplistic (oh no! that sounds like a putdown, but I mean that it's sounds organic), but it's not B-O-R-I-N-G because her music has lots of layer (without sounding overdone). She reminds me a bit of St. Vincent (whom I've been listening to for a while). I've been listening to a good amount of Bad Religion lately. I like their album "Suffer." And yes, it's a "real" punk rock album so it's different from what I'm used to listening to, but I like it. And it's not like I haven't listened to music that I'd consider "distant cousins" of their sound. I do, afterall, still like Sleater-Kinney.

So ... MGMT's Oracular Spectacular (their album) is fantastic, and I highly recommend it. It's funny when you have an album for a while, and you finally put it on in the background as you browse zee internets, and you realize "holy ish. this album is the ish." It's great to find an awesome band. I don't really like Death Cab's latest album.

To all who care ... I'm doing well :) I love living alone (for now ...), but I hate being lonely. I should probably do something about that. Not should ... will. Soon.

Congrats to everyone/all my friends graduating in '08 (I should have been part of that group, but due to mental breakdowns and other issues, I'll be graduating in '09). I love, and am proud of you all! Good luck in all your endeavors, and download Firefox 3 (right now it's beta), but it's awesome (literally) and brightened up my average day.

tonight i went to THIS event at my campus. my friend that's a creationist christian invited me (we went an EVOLUTION lecture together because i wanted to let her hear a distinguished professor/author of a nationally used biology book, talk about how he's a christian, but also accepts the theory of evolution and that the two do not have to clash).

all i am going to see from now on is hell. hell. hell. all over my life. all over my being. nothing good that i do is going to be worth it - i might as well do everything wrong. because it doesn't matter if i'm going to simply because "i choose not to accept." now every time i laugh at something silly a christian utters (seeing jesus in a cheeto - becaus god presents himself in different forms) is going to be followed with the thought, "but what if they're right?" and that's not really it. fine if they're right. the only thing that sucks about that isn't that they'd get bragging rights and heaven, just that i'd get an ETERNITY in hellfire.

i think that the more that i engage myself (and others) in discussion about religion. the more i wrestle with this and try to be objective and not just cheer for the atheists and overlook their flaws (of course i'll overlook superficial flaws, but i don't want to be an atheist spokesperson - chiming the party line, not being just as critical with atheists as i am with christians, etc).

i never said that there was no god. never. ever. and i cringe every time i hear someone say that. there's a big difference between, "there isn't enough proof" and "there isn't." atheists like me sometimes get called the chicken shit atheists (again, will god say, you didn't capitalize my name - you're going to hell, you cursed and you know you're not supposed to so you're going to hell, you took my name in vain, so you're going to hell. hell. hell. hell.

i think about people that are less moral than me. doing worse things than i've ever done. but still, i think, "at least they believe in god." i'm no better than the worst christian because i'm sure believing in god gives one brownie points. am i going to be consumed by the thought of hell? if i am hellbound, simply because i am an atheist, at least i should "enjoy" my life and not be so preoccupied with my flesh eternally burning. forever. and ever. amen? will i live my life is fear? (and still end up in hell?)

i think if you're interested in reading my rantings on religion and oh! the thoughts that run through my head (because it's over yet, i've still got a lot more ramblings on religion, atheism, etc). i'm not going to stop talking about it until i have some peace of mind. and i'm not going to have peace of mind if i try to ignore these thoughts. i just have to think about things, and learn more (cuz thinking isn't everything) and i thnk the more i scrutinize things, and the more i learn (from different point of views), the more peace i'll get. the more of a conclusion i'll get. i have to be more honest with myself, and not be so scared of change. change scares me. i'm so used to changing. i've been wanting to settle down for so long, and yet i feel like nothing stays the same (and yet everything does, you know? the more things change, the more they stay the same?)

all those atheists that have died? are they in hell right now? tossing and turning. screaming. eternally tortured. i feel delirious almost. i'm in my apartment alone typing and dreaming of putting together an atheist zine. the more i think about it, the more i want to do it. if only for the sole purpose of figuring things out. i cannot get hell out of my head. and what about those christians that comfort me and say, "god wouldn't do that. you're a good person." are they mislead? are they going to hell also? should i have majored in professional writing? how is possible than i'm an atheist that is sooo sooo scared of a hell. should i just chill out? what if i die tomorrow? it happens. people die from car accidents, freak accidents, heart attacks. it could happen.

My favorite albums of 2007 were:

• Neon Bible (The Arcade Fire)


• Blackout (Britney Spears)


• Graduation (Kanye West)

Neon Bible is like fine wine (although I've never had fine wine, so I'm not sure how I know this) ... but it gets better and better everytime I listen to it. It's the kind of album that has SOOO much meaning. The kind of album that I love to listen to on my headphones. Britney's album is still good fun to dance to, and it's arguably her best album (in my opinion - and I've listened to pretty much every album of hers). And I'm liking Kanye's album less and less, but I'm still impressed by the fact that I fell head over heels in love with a *gasp* hip hop album in the first place. I might download an album by Common - I think he's a hip hop artist that I might enjoy. I don't think he raps about cash,money,hoes(TM).

do you prefer poetry or prose?

so it's 2am-ish and i'm awake and listening to maria mena's newer music on youtube. it's interesting how i'm going back to music with less indie cred. maria mena is indie, but not really that indie (yes, haha at variations of indie, but it's true) ... i'm also downloading some nada surf and rooney. rooney? yea, i'm re-listening to music from my high school daze. why? i'm really not quite sure ... i'm listening to some of their newer stuff, and i'd like to listen to some lighter music. i'm sure that i'll end up hating all this soon enough. honestly, i'm getting older and my music tastes

i spent the day watching season 1 of arrested development (i'm still not done yet ... actually i've just begun). and lying under covers wishing i wiere being more productive. oh well. tomorrow, meaning today, really, is another day.

so ... i love awkward movies. it's weird liking these movies because i know that part of why i like them is so that i can validate myself. they're not very uplifting. but has anyone heard of mumblecore? it's a *new* genre of indie movies (right now it's only indie movies, but it might/i'm sure it'll become mainstream soon enough) that deal with day to day life and the awkwardness of romance (which is good b/c i like seeing another perspective on relationships that isn't a bullshit romantic comedy). the people seem very real. they're not fairytale or heroic, but more subtle. the conversations sound real, and they deal with topics that i'm going through. and most of the conversations are very egotistical. the outside world doesn't exist in these movies ... only in their minds. search for "four eyed monsters" on the interweb. it was the first (and only, yikes!) mumblecore movie that i've seen. it's very likeable, and starts out very strong (it dwindles, but i still recommend it).

*goodnight*

i felt dead and empty in 2007. i hope i'm alive and awake in 2008. i made a list of ongoing resolutions and they all boil down to me living a more active life. tonight, i will go back to wilmington and buy two? bottles of ballatore wine for the new year (if i can find it). i will work for a week to take care of my mounting bills and then return to school. this semester promises to be a lot more peaceful. perhaps i will meet a boy (or girl?) that i fall in love with (of course this is my mentality as i'm watching "atonement").

If a body is what you want,
then here is bone and gristle and flesh.
Here is the clavicle-snapped wish,
the aorta’s opened valves, the leap
thought makes at the synaptic gap.
Here is the adrenaline rush you crave,
that inexorable flight, that insane puncture
into heat and blood. And I dare you to finish
what you’ve started. Because here, Bullet,
here is where I complete the word you bring
hissing through the air, here is where I moan
the barrel’s cold esophagus, triggering
my tongue’s explosives for the rifling I have
inside of me, each twist of the round
spun deeper, because here, Bullet,
here is where the world ends, every time.

--Here, Bullet (by: Brian Turner)